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Brian: Thou Shalt Not Covet

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(Scott) I'm not going to say much here, except that I find this piece heartfelt and well written.....many of us, if not all have "been there".......please, take the time to read AND listen, this guy has poured his heart into this and that is fantastic......I support him in his time of sadness, and please, if you read this, you will feel the hurt as well.
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"If I could stick my pen in my heart
And spill it all over the stage,
Would it satisfy you?
Would it slide on by you?
Would you think the boy is strange?"

- The Rolling Stones

I've written and deleted this post several times, never sure if I was gonna put it up or not. It gets rather personal. My head hasn't been in the best place the last month or so. I will now try to describe why in as simple a fashion as I can....

There is a couple that I've worked with the last 2 years. We're all good work buddies. The clincher is: I've had a bad crush on the girl for a long time. She's sweet, a little shy, fiercely intelligent, and very pretty. I make her laugh quite a lot. We make work a little more tolerable for each other. And the kicker of it is: I'm 38, the guy is 28, and she just turned 21. You can kinda guess how this feels...

Anyway, learned months ago they were gonna be married. Was surprised at the depth of my feelings regarding that. Wasn't gonna reenact the final scene from The Graduate or anything, but it did affect me. I've been leading the single dad life now for many years. I haven't had anyone else to really care about outside of that, and I find myself genuinely enamored with this girl, this child who was born a few weeks before I graduated from high school. That'll put a fucking zap on your head, Jack...

Anyway, several things have come to a head in the last month. She celebrated her birthday weeks ago, and I got her several presents. Realized a little too late I had gone overboard. Mind you, it was just a cool t-shirt and a necklace, but it was very unexpected, I could tell. I knew she was leaving our job after their wedding, and I just wanted to get something nice, you know? I also made the mistake of writing a bit on a card. (Dumb). I didn't use the "L" word, but I did say how much I cared about her...

"Love is just a four letter word..."
- Dylan

And BAM! I put all my cards on the table. Not with any hope of achieving anything, but just wanting to be honest with someone for once. And then I find out a few days ago that they had gone through the presents and read my heartfelt card together. Not maliciously, but still: both of them. I'm mortified. She reads it and throws it away, that I can live with. But not sitting with the fiancée and going through it. It's like somebody spell-checking your diary.

Anyway, it's all said and done. They even had me at their wedding. They're married now and on honeymoon in Germany, where he's apparently trying to pump a baby in her already. And work gossip being what it is, I've discovered a few things regarding someone's fidelity in the days leading up to their wedding. It's become toxic in a whole bunch of ways. I'm backing away from this thing like my clothes are on fire. I'm determined not to be the odd guy pining away for the girl, been there too much already.

The point of all this is, during the last year or so, as I was assembling different projects and collating favorite songs, I was slowly compiling songs that made me think of her. Many of them I played at work, and quite a few of them I remember her liking. I decided to upload this comp, mainly as a way of compartmentalizing and abstracting my feelings. I'm perfectly fine, but I know this whole thing is done. What this comp is a tribute to is what she made me feel. It snuck up on me, it really did. Maybe it's just a work crush and nothing more. I'm living with that and leaving her alone. But I am glad I thanked her, whether or not she fully understood it.

Maybe this comp will mean something to you; maybe you'll just want to get back to live boots and psych band rarities. But here it is: my heart, 90+ minutes. And regarding the cover art and these pics, she likes penguins. And I wouldn't be a creep and post it, but I wish I could show you all a picture of her. You'd understand.


"I saw thee on thy bridal day,
When a burning blush came o'er thee.
Though happiness all around thee lay,
The world all love before thee."

- "Song", Edgar Allan Poe


1. A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras                                                               
2. Michelle Branch - All You Wanted
3. SWANS - 1000 Years
4. Melissa Etheridge - Nowhere To Go
5. Bob Mould - Life and Times
6. Jennifer Warnes - I Know a Heartache When I See One 
7. M - Crazy For You (Remix)
8. Jack Downing - Queen Jane Approximately 
9. Matthew Sweet - Smog Moon
10. SWANS- Breathing Water
11. Our Lady Peace - Somewhere Out There
12. Adam Sandler- Like A Hurricane
13. P - The Beautiful Ones 
14. Foreigner - Until the End Of Time 
15. Laura Pausini- En Cambio No
16. Cleo - Poison (acoustic)
17. The Flaming Lips- Do You Realize?
18. Scorpions- Send Me An Angel (orchestral)
19. Jennifer Warnes - I'm Dreaming 
20. This Mortal Coil - Song To The Siren
21. NIN - Something I Can Never Have 

I'll get back to some regular type posting eventually.

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